I was at the grocery store recently and had a sudden (and important) realization: Hostess is fucking horny.

Think about it.  Almost all of their product names are puns/cheeky references to butts, boobs, balls, and wieners.

I imagine some of you may think that I’m reaching here.  You think I’m projecting this idea, and that I’m sexualizing a brand of snack cakes.  My response to that is this: do you see those products above?  Tell me you didn’t conjure up some images.  Prudes.  Also, how do you explain this?

Yeah.  Look at that.  I’ve certainly now proved that I’m not making this up.  Anyway, as I was walking home from the store, I kept thinking about Hostess and their branding.  Although Hostess has gone through a number of owners over the years (Continental Baking Company, Interstate Bakeries Corporation, Apollo Global Management), and some of these products are relatively recent ventures, Hostess has been pushing sexualized food marketing since their debut of the legendary Twinkie in 1930.  There wouldn’t be a Hard Cocks or Creamy Jerks if it wasn’t for Ding-Dongs and the Twinkie.  This effectively proves that as a company, Hostess are early supporters of sexual liberation.

The Hostess brand originated in 1919, a full 29 years before the publication of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male by Alfred Kinsey.  Everyone talks about how Kinsey’s reports caused such an uproar at the time, but where was this controversy in 1930 when Hostess released their fantastic flavorful phallic treat?  Obviously Hostess tried to be sneaky and not too obvious about it (similar to the way certain Hollywood directors got around censors during the Production Code era), but everybody knows that Hostess brought unapologetic sexuality into the American home years before Kinsey.  To be quite frank, I find it disgusting and shameful that Kinsey gets all the credit for this, while Hostess is left bankrupt and ridiculed as a “failed business.”

As a professional librarian, I propose that all academic and public libraries immediately remove and destroy all published works by and/or about Alfred Kinsey and replace them with copies of the Twinkies Cookbook.  Also all DVD and VHS copies of the 2004 biopic, Kinsey, should be removed and destroyed as well.  I also suggest not supporting the work of the movie’s director Bill Condon, as well as its cast members Liam Neeson, Peter Sarsgaard, and Chris O’Donnell.  You can still watch movies with Laura Linney.

Hostess is woke, and Alfred Kinsey is canceled.