Slow Walkers Please Hurry the Fuck Up


You know when you get home from work and you’re hangry as hell and you walk over to the grocery store to pick up a few items and all you want to do is just get home and make dinner and have food in your body?  Yeah.  It’s a powerful feeling.  I imagine most of us have had some variation of this experience.  When in this heightened state, there are many things that threaten to intensify it even further.  None of these things are more egregious than the slow walker.

It’s a sinking feeling when you turn a corner onto the street that leads to your house and you realize that the besties who’ve just left yoga together are walking very slowly and that within seconds you are going to be awkwardly hovering behind them.


The thing is, I have no interest in trying to dictate another person’s walking habits.  I get that there are many genres of walking: indie, post-hardcore, twee, ragtime.  There’s room for all.  My issue is that the slowcore walkers have no courtesy whatsoever for the walkers around them.  They’re oblivious in their dawdling bliss.  It puts you in a troubling position.  When you attempt to speed up and walk around them, they move their body just slightly enough to obscure your pathway.  When you finally decide, “fuck it”, and move off the sidewalk to pass them, you can often hear them huff and puff, as if you were obligated to let them inconvenience you.  When you make the grueling decision to admit defeat and just slow down your pace, it somehow makes the slow walkers walk even slower, and you still end up directly behind them.  You’re then forced to look at your phone, or off to the side at some tree or whatever, because you don’t want them to look behind at you while you’re staring in their direction (at close distance) and be called out as a “creeper”.  Someone nearby might hear this and cancel you on Twitter.


Look, all I’m saying is that this one of the greatest problems facing humanity today.  If slow walkers would just make the smallest effort to recognize their self-absorption and allow others to pass them smoothly, efficiently, and without judgement, then 96% of the world’s problems would probably end.  Bigotry and intolerance would be eradicated, stress levels would go down, and we might all live an extra 20 years.

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