Tucker Carlson is my spirit animal.

I think we’ve all been there before, it’s the 11th of the month and you’ve bought way too much shit the past 10 days but fuck it right. It’s about time for you to eat lunch and now you think “hmmm, I wonder what I’ll get for lunch.” You go to check your banking app to see what choices you have to find out that your remaining balance is $3.27.

Shit. Obviously there must be something wrong maybe there was fraud and I can call the bank. So you check the recent activity on your account but you remember making every purchase.

Anxiety sets in and you start to hyperventilate. You start to think maybe I can make it to the 15th without eating, but your fat ass knows you couldn’t make it 3 hours without a snack.

Weighing out your options you decide scavenge all the loose change around the house and in your car hoping to God you have at least $100 in the 20 pound bag of change you have. Arriving at coin star you feel confident, you spend 15 minutes recycling the coins over and over again removing the foreign coins and buttons that snuck their way in. Then it happens you finally get the total amount that was deposited. $12.58.

Thanks a lot Obama….